Julnar
Julnar1.jpg

Character type: Candidate
Rank: Candidate
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Sexual Preference: As soon as possible Hetero-mostly-o

Appearance

Julnar and Tashiva are not identical twins, and Julnar is eternally grateful for this fact. Malnourishment has kept her a bit too skinny and probably a little shorter than she might have been, but she’s still taller than Tash, though she tends to subconsciously slump a little in order to hide this fact, even though the height difference now that they’re full-grown is enough that it doesn’t really disguise anything. Her limbs are long, particularly her fingers, though it isn’t really a graceful, beautiful sort of long — right now those fingers are all skinny with bony knuckles, though that might change with a few months of good Weyr nutrition. Her face is more oval-shaped than Tash’s, and her features are strong but pleasant — a straight nose, not-too-sharp cheekbones, and a well-shaped mouth with just a hint of fullness to the lips. Her eyes are dark brown and rather intense, her brows naturally shaped to accent her eyes to the best possible effect, and her hair is dark brown and wavy, kept to about midway down her shoulderblades. Her nails are brittle and tend to break easily, and her hair has suffered similarly for the same reasons — right now it’s thinner and duller than it should be, but with good nutrition she’ll be surprised to find it growing in thicker and more luxurious, and she’ll revel in how beautiful it makes her feel, and will likely take up the indulging habit of pampering it.

Personality

The thing that most people have mistaken about Julnar for her entire life — and that she has often mistaken about herself — is that she’s shy. It’s an understandable mistake to make, really. For most of her life she’s had a bolder sister to make first contact on her behalf, after all, and Julnar, naturally more easy-going and accommodating, has allowed it to happen. She’s always been loathe to make a fuss on her own behalf, to do anything that might upset someone else, especially when it seems like such a small thing. Piping up and putting herself first just seems so abrasive, and she’s logical enough to rationalize it to herself as irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Is it really worth shoving herself in front of her sister just to speak up first? No, it’s okay, Tashiva feels better when she’s in charge. Is it worth protesting that guy who just cut in line just to assert herself? Oh, no, it’s only one place, and she wasn’t in that much of a hurry really. She doesn’t want to start trouble. She doesn’t want to argue with anyone. She hates arguing — hates everything about how it makes her feel, even if it’s an argument she might win. It just ties her up in knots inside to know that someone else is angry with her, and that things aren’t right between them. She has to try to talk it out, to make things right, or she’ll feel all sick and anxious and upset about it, and sometimes people don’t want to talk it out, or they’re strangers enough that she may never see them again and they’ll just go on forever thinking she’s an awful human being, and all those options seem so horrendously awful that it’s just easier not to confront anyone in the first place, not to upset anyone, isn’t it?

No, Julnar isn’t really shy, but she is very non-assertive and non-confrontational… and very, very emotionally aware. She’s always keyed in to how people around her seem to be feeling, and she very much takes it to heart. She wishes she didn’t care what people thought about her, like Tash, but she can’t seem to turn it off. Sometimes it’s a good thing, really. It makes her caring and helpful and overall pleasant. It makes her an optimist by necessity — or at least a person who tries to be one, for the sake of avoiding unpleasant thoughts. She’s demonstrative, and enjoys touching and being touched. She actually loves talking to people, loves the idea of making and having lots of friends, and when she’s relaxed and in good company she’s at her best — bright and funny and engaging — but at the first sign of conflict or negativity she becomes uncertain and starts retreating, like a threatened turtle.

Her relationship with Tashiva is complex, and getting more so with each passing turn. Her sister has always been there, always been more willing to put herself forward, always been the stronger of the two… and Julnar has let Tash control everything about her life, in a way. If she’s sensitive to how other people feel, after all, she’s doubly-sensitive to how Tashiva feels, and she loves her sister, and hates fighting with her more than almost anything in the world. It’s just easier to let Tash take care of her. That way Julnar doesn’t have to confront difficult things, and Tash gets the satisfaction of being the strong one, the caretaker, which is her role and the way she seems to feel happiest even when times are hard. But Julnar isn’t happy with the person she is inside. Even if she pretends not to see and not to know the things that Tashiva has done to take care of them, she does know. She’s not stupid (though she occasionally pretends to be, because that’s just another way of avoiding conflict), and there’s a part of her that hates herself for being so weak, for being useless, for not asserting herself and insisting on splitting the burden the way that sisters should. She doesn’t feel that Tash views her as an equal, and as much as she acknowledges her own fault in the matter and loathes herself for letting that happen, she also resents Tashiva for being party to it, too. Maybe she spent her life rolling over to Tashiva’s wishes, and maybe she should have been stronger, sure, but maybe Tash is just a controlling bully, too! She knows very well that Tash loves her, but she wants to be her own person, too — a strong person who can experience everything life has to offer, and, more importantly, a strong person who can take care of her sister the way her sister takes care of her — but Tash won’t listen when she tries to tell her these things (and, to be fair, Julnar often turtles up and pretends things are okay, so she’s sending mixed messages), and she can’t help but be upset that the person she loves most is the only person holding her back even more than she holds herself back.

So as the guilt of being a burden on her sister grows, her need to be her own person grows, and her resentment of Tash grows, too. Julnar doesn’t want to have this fight. She still has a hard time confronting Tash over things, and is often the first to cave when they do fight, so for the past few turns she’s become adept at sneaking around, trying new things, slowly building up her confidence. It’s avoidant behavior, it’s more a bandage on a gushing wound than an actual solution, but it’s easier than having the confrontation that she knows in her heart is looming on the horizon.

History

Birthdate: 8.434.8.19
Birthplace: Northern Nerat

Julnar was born in a small hold in northern Nerat, shortly after her twin sister Tashiva, and those first few turns there are a pleasant blur — likely tainted by sentiment, but pleasant nonetheless. She remembers feeling safe, shielded by her sister and cared for by her parents, and blissfully unaware of any hard times the family might have been having… until the turn the sickness happened. She remembers that, feeling awful and lying in bed next to Tash, but it never occurred to her that she might die from it (or even that she might die at all — she was only seven), but then the twins were recovering in the care of their aunt and uncle, and their parents were… not.

Even now, Julnar doesn’t resent her aunt and uncle. In fact, if you asked, she would probably say that they loved the twins in their own way — it’s just that, well, times were hard, and they already had kids of their own to care for, and it wasn’t really fair to them to suddenly have to take in two more. It wasn’t the twins’ fault for being orphaned, but it wasn’t Aunt Vassa and Uncle Rasdor’s fault, either, and they did the best they could. Sure they did. Tashiva grew angry and resentful that she and Julnar got only the scraps and leftovers if they were lucky — Julnar, instead, was keenly aware of the feeling of being an unwanted burden, and only felt guilt for taking food from the mouths of her cousins, for stressing Aunt Vassa, and for occasionally wishing she could ask for more. They should be grateful for what they have, she told herself. They had a roof over their heads, a pallet to sleep on — curled up, alone together with each other even somehow in the midst of a pile of cousins — and a little bit of food and clothes enough to cover them, at least. A lot of people didn’t even have that.

But still, Tashiva took matters into her own hands, and started striking out on her own to feed herself and Julnar, and Julnar… well, she felt like she was walking on eggshells in this place where she was unwanted, and retreated in on herself a bit for fear that she might somehow make things even harder on her aunt and uncle, or on Tash. Tashiva took care of them — that was the pattern that emerged — and Julnar let Tash guide her and shelter her. Tashiva was smart and bold, and she knew things, and Julnar deferred to her instruction and judgement. Life was hard, but Tash took the questions and uncertainty and decisions away.

But the older they got, the more unhappy Julnar was with this arrangement. She didn’t want to take the easy road forever. She began to resent being watched over all the time, being told what to do and what not to do, and being restricted from new experiences like a child unable to handle them. It’s common for young people to start to feel the need to break away from their parents, but in the absence of parents, Julnar found it harder to break away from Tashiva. With parents, there’s an accepted age range where a child is expected to become an adult and become independent, but when you’re the same age as the person who’s caring for you, well, these things become a lot more muddled. Julnar wanted to experience things, and find her own voice, and take on responsibilities and be trusted to contribute, and Tashiva, stuck in a rut of caring for her sister and defining herself based on that ability to care for her, was unwilling to let Julnar face that ugly side of the world that awaited her. Julnar began to tentatively push back, all while trying hard to bite down on the bitter truth of her resentment, and Tashiva only clamped down harder.

So Julnar began to sneak around. Tashiva doesn’t know it, but Julnar has taken a couple of odd jobs here and there, has had to learn to become clever about slipping tiny bits of extra food in or extra funds at a time so that Tash wouldn’t notice and demand to know what she’s been doing. She has also fooled around with boys a little — nothing serious yet, just some flirting and a little naughty petting — and she’s still very much growing into her sexuality, blossoming as she realizes that she’s attractive and that there’s a certain power in that (and as someone who’s never had any control over her own life at all, and who struggles with feeling weak, power of any sort is extremely alluring).

She’s thrilled to have been Searched for Ista Weyr, and to be traveling and seeing/doing new things, and to have this amazing opportunity… but at the same time, she’s tentatively suspicious of it. She doesn’t know, but suspects that Tashiva pulled strings somehow to even get her in front of the dragons in the first place (after all, nobody typically goes rushing to grab the slum kids when the dragonriders show up looking all shiny and important), and she deeply fears that Tashiva did something to bribe the rider into choosing her. It feels so good to be tapped for something special on her own merits, but… what if she wasn’t? What if it’s all a lie, and she’s not really special at all? She knows that Tash wouldn’t understand her need to be chosen for herself, and wouldn’t understand her being resentful of the idea that the greatest thing that ever happened to her was just another Tashiva-Knowing-Best powerplay in her life — after all, the important thing is that she’s safe and fed, right? — but she can’t help feeling it, even as she tries to push the feelings down and just be grateful for her good fortune. She isn’t sure how she feels about Tashiva being Searched, too. On the one hand, this is a huge scary venture and she’s desperately glad to have her only real family here with her… but on the other hand, this could have been her chance.

Relationships

Family

Father: Tashnar
Mother: Julivia

Sister: Tashiva, candidate

Friends

None yet.

Lovers

She let a dude get to second base once, and she submits this, hopefully, for your consideration.

Enemies

Herself, mostly.

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